Family Struggles with Mom's Dementia

I met with a lady on Friday in Maryland. She had set an appointment to talk about Medicare insurance changes and if her current plan was sufficiently meeting her needs. Upon introduction, she was pleasant, well spoken, probably about 70 years old. Her daughter pulled me aside prior to her leaving for work to say her mother battles memory problems. I thanked her and told her anything we talked about I would share with the daughter.

Ms. Smith (not her real name) introduced herself by saying she had spent 27 years in the Baltimore City Police Department. She had also had been instrumental in helping establish the FOP (Fraternal Order of Police) chapter at her precinct. She was understandably very proud of this. She went on to tell about taking a clerical position with the FOP after retirement. This ended at the request of her boss three years ago. It was after, according to her, a mini-stroke that left her struggling to accomplish her work. By her description, her tenure didn't end well. She spoke with much animosity.

I moved on to ask about her health insurance only to be brought back to the previous conversation repeated almost verbatim as before. Being forewarned by her daughter and also used to dealing with seniors with memory problems, I could see where this was going. After yet another repeat of her "FOP firing" story, I knew that this person was in no position to make decisions. I politely excused myself and as I was walking out the door, was regailed again with the same story.

I don't share this to criticize or embarass this nice lady. This is reality. Many people are faced with the devastating disease of dementia. I spoke to her daughter by cell phone upon leaving the house. I wanted to let her know nothing needed to be done with her health insurance. She proceeded to share that her Mom developed this condition after her stroke. I could sense frustration in her voice. She wants to take official control of her dealings, but wants to respect her mother's autonomy. Besides it is not worth the verbal sparing that has characterized their relationship in the last year. Betty (also not her real name) told me her 15 year old daughter acts 25 and her 70 year old mother acts 10. I told her she is right in the middle of the "Sandwich Generation."

Betty and Ms. Smith are an example of the affects of dementia on a family. The disbelief, the worry, and the frustration inherent in the onset and coping with this condition. I have seen it many times in others. Many reading this entry have first-hand knowledge of it. My hope by sharing this story and for the blog itself is to say, "You aren't alone." Please provide comments and suggestions that may help others living with this disease. Check out these two websites.

http://www.dementia.com
http://www.alz.org